​​INT.  PIGGLY WIGGLY - DAY

 

SUSAN scours the supermarket shelves on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of the Midwest. Her two kids are at their father’s for the next few hours, and she's just gotten over a midgrade hangover. Pinot, Gilmore-Girls, and only eating the last of the dino nuggets. 

 

Susan

Sir? Sir? Hi, yes. Excuse me. Could you point me in the direction of the Brawny? The Brawny paper towels. I can’t seem to find them and they’re the only ones I use. I already checked by the Bounty so I wouldn't waste your time over there. I checked by the toilet paper too, but then I saw those salacious Charmian bears. (Conservatively.) I, I, I, I mean I know they are supposed to be a family in all but, nude? Must they always be nude. Put a shirt on at least. Winnie the Pooh wears a shirt. What type of message are you trying to send here? Happy families are naked families? It's weird! You should really need to get rid of them. Flush them. (As a heart attack.) Those creepy little bears wipe their hands in their hoo-haw and up their crack in almost every commercial. We don’t need to see that! (Quietly embroiled.) Yes, let us all let the wind breeze against our bare asscheeks, No! It’s just wrong you see. When you look at it that way. I mean, it's just wrong. (She gathers herself.) And why are they telling me to “enjoy the go?” You enjoy your go! That's why I like Paul. He's the Brawny guy. He’s simple. He doesn't have an official name so that's just what I call him. I once had a Pastor Paul. Way less handsome than my Paul though. Sorry, the Pastor isn’t why I named him that, he just popped in my head when I said Paul, no, I named the Brawny guy off of Paul Bunion. I mean they're basically the same person. Both are burly and All-American, and both like the forest. Mine’s just missing that blue ox—Babe. I never liked her. Plus, I think he looks so handsome wrapped around the packaging, all rugged and stuff. It's like he's been chopping wood all day. I bet he smells like a sticky pinecone. Or the heat of a long day's work in the woods…He’s got that big manly barrel chest. And a nice square jaw. I’m not sure if it's the flannel or his posture but he does it for me. (Purring.) He’s so strong and masculine. I bet he’d pull my hair. I bet he could split me like a cedar. I bet he wouldn't cheat on me with a 22-year-old twink! He’d open doors for me. And pull out my chair in fancy establishments. Those bears would never do that. They’d never know how to treat a woman. They just show off their private parts for everyone to see and they don't give a rat’s be-hind. But I do. I give a rat’s be-hind. It's obscene. (Feeling completed.) I don't mean to be rude, but I'd like to see Paul now, and I'd like those sex-bears burned in the parking lot. If you won’t, I will. Now what isle.