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INT.  KARAOKE BAR - NIGHT

 

 DANIEL is sad-drunk mic in hand. STAR rushes in to save him from embarrassment.

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DANIEL.   My name is Daniel Marion, and with no musical accomplishment, I will sing, “Send in the Clowns”

STAR.   Woah woah Danny, girl, what are you doing?!

DANIEL.  I’m Sondheiming

STAR.   Oh god, listen, I know you’re upset about Jake, but you can’t just go around singing Sondheim in public. You're not Bernadette Peters.

DANIEL.   But I think I am! 

STAR.   I know you do. But your above drunk karaoke. We don’t do that. Just cram your feelings down inside like a polite human being.

DANIEL.   So you just expect me to not express my emotions artistically? To pent it all up until I explode on the fucking PATH train?  Oh god Star, I can’t go on any longer I think it’s time. I think it's time we should just— 

STAR/DANIEL.  (In unison.) —Kill ourselves.

STAR.   Ya I’m going to have to take a rain check on that one. I’m sorry! Things are going great with Logan and me right now, and plus I have my oboe recital tonight! You should come!

DANIEL.   The oboe is the instrument of sorrow. 

STAR.   Alright, enough moping. You need to get up, and get back out there. 

DANIEL.  Out there?

STAR.  Yeah why not? We’re young, we’re hot, we’re living in our prime in New York.

You need to stop being an Eeore and start being a Tigger.

DANIEL.   Can I at least be Piglet. She’s cute.

STAR.   There she is. There’s my little piggy girl, girly pig! Ooh, Why don’t you go talk to him! He’s cute!

DANIEL.   He’s in a K-hole.

STAR.   Ooop right my bad. (Searching.) Well, what about him in the hat?

DANIEL.   Star! He's wearing velcro shoes! He looks like Harriet the fucking Spy. Will you just be brutally honest with me? What is wrong with me!

STAR.   Besides your pear shape and bad breath?

DANIEL.   I’m serious!

STAR.  Babe nothing is wrong with you! You are smart, and you are an incredible artist. And you have the eyebrows of a young Brooke Shields.

DANIEL.  Thanks, I needed to hear that. You know she was only 14 in “Blue Lagoon”.

STAR.   Jodi Foster was 12 in Taxi Driver.

DANIEL.   Mmh mmh mmh. Woody Allen…

STAR.   Woody Allen didn’t direct those.

DANIEL.   I know but just…Woody Allen.

STAR.   Right, right.

DANIEL.   Oh forget it, this is useless. I’m going home to eat chili and jerk off to Eat Pray Love.

STAR.   What?

DANIEL.   I don’t have to be straight to jerk off to Julia Roberts! 

STAR.   Well alright. And If I don't see you at my recital tonight, I’ll see you tomorrow for ping-pong.

DANIEL.   Ping pong?

STAR.   I’m just fucking with you, bye girl!